Dutch is essentially English spoken with a French accent by a German.

--jmallett

Dutch is essentially German written with English spelling.

--Luís Henrique

Dutch is essentially German as spoken by the members of a conspiracy who pretend not to speak German.

--John Cowan

Dutsj is essensjullie a Loo Sjurmennik lenkwitsj wis det vunkie letter (det riepleezes Y) plus a serieuslie koel ortografie.

--several members of Conlang

Dutch is essentially German spoken by someone with a sore throat (or: by someone clearing his throat while speaking).

--Philip Newton

Written Dutch is essentially German with misspellings one would expect from small German children.

--Terrence Griffin

Dutch is essentially what you know to be English, only heard through lots of loud background noise.

--Dan Seriff

Dutch is essentially English with all the vowels doubled.

--Keith Gaughan

Dutch is essentially English spoken whilst stoned, which pretty much explains all the double vowels ;-)

--Keith Gaughan

I prefer to think of English as being essentially Dutch with all double vowels halved.

--Maarten van Beek

Afrikaans is essentially Dutch baby talk.

--John Cowan

Conversely, Dutch is essentially Afrikaans as spoken by a corpse.

--John Cowan

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